A Little Bit More

My friends will tell you that I am an amazing person to talk to about your problems.  I’m empathetic, intelligent, attentive and caring.  I’d give a good friend (and even not-so-good friends) the shirt off my back.

But you know what?  They probably can’t really tell you much about me; about the inner workings of my soul.  Sure, everyone knows that I’ve been on and off anti-depression meds since I was 14.  And quite a few of them could tell you about what I think about my parents (a few of THEM know how I USED to feel about my parents).  But no one knows the real me.  The person that came closest to that was Danni, and even her I had to start keeping things from after a while because of the issues we were having.  But she always saw right through me, and usually called me on it, prying it all from me with iron tongs.  No one has ever been able to do that before–sure I’ve had those friends that just know that something’s up, but I can either hide it pretty well, or successfully turn the topic of coversation away from me with only a cursory explanation.  Do I think I fool everyone?  No, I’m not that naive, but I am rather successful in keeping myself emotionally and mentally at a distance.

I want to be able to talk to my friends, or at least some of them, but I just don’t feel it.  Obviously I have trust issues, and I can only trust people with so much.  I WANT to find that person that I can tell my soul to, the person who’s shoulder I’m not embarassed to cry on.  And I know I won’t find that person (friend or lover) until I fix some things in my own life first.

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