You know how I was talking about this year being shitty, but still relatively good? Well, it just got a little less good. My mom passed away on Monday night, extremely suddenly. Suddenly as in, she’d had a chemo treatment, spent the afternoon/evening chatting with my dad, and was on the phone with me planning rides to her appointments next week when she (I assume) collapsed.
The last day and a half has been pretty insane. Between 2 round-trips to my hometown, meeting with the funeral director, and today making calls to the people in her phone, I’m feeling pretty drained. A word of warning as my readers age and their families pass on: it’s WORSE contacting others because you feel compelled to console them at the same time they are trying to console you, and there are no words either can say to 1) express your sorrow and sympathy; or 2) actually console. In the coming weeks, I’m going to have to deal with her existing bills, SSI, and probably things I haven’t yet thought about.
I know that you all want to know how I’m holding up. I’m doing okay. Still in a lot of shock because it was SO SUDDEN–we all thought Mom would get worse, or we’d have some kind of sign that she was nearing the end. Like with my brother, it’s going to be a roller-coaster, albeit in a different way. I’m not entirely sure what to expect over the coming weeks, but I’m not sure I’m looking forward to it to be honest. I’m thinking I was put back on anti-anxiety meds just in time.
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Life has been kind of rough lately. Mom’s cancer isn’t getting any worse that we know of, but the chemotherapy is starting to really affect her–loss of balance, no appetite (lots of nausea), and irritable. Last weekend was devoted to moving her out of her apartment, which meant going through 10 years of accumulated junk and having to throw most of it out because 1) there was just too much to lug to Goodwill and 2) it was too covered in grime/smoke/dust for donation. I’m not sure if my mom would be considered a hoarder according the the DSM-IV-TR (reminder: ask Ellie), but if not, she’s damn close. I was worried that it would be hard with only my father, a friend of my brother and myself, but I think it went well not having mom there because she’s be too depressed/moody and would fight us to keep more than we did (and we kept A LOT).
I have a lot of emotions about the whole situation that are only exasperated by the job search. No, I’m not dealing well with all of the stresses and anxieties that are being induced by so much crap all colliding at once. I’m in an almost constant state of feeling overwhelmed, which I sort of have to take as a win since I know that I could be totally shut down right now.
I’m plugging away at the job search, but I’m frustrated about how little response I’ve had. I’m trying to keep busy, but am BORED!!!
I don’t know, I don’t really have anything useful to talk about lately, mostly because I’m so bored. Hopefully this doesn’t last too much longer.
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I’ve been totally MIA lately, but as you can see from the plethora of categories, it’s been a time. A month ago my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and it doesn’t look great. She’s receiving radiation now, and will be re-evaluated this week to determine where it is and what the chemo process is going to be. I can’t express feeling/emotion to my family because I have been “the rock” since childhood, so I’ve been holding in a lot and it’s honestly starting to fuck with my head. Ellie’s been MY rock through this, and I wish I could express how much that means to me, or let her in more.
Graduation was Friday, so I am officially an MS in College Student Development & Counseling. This also means I need a job ASAP because there are no more loans coming in and no more money in my Assistantship stipend. I also feel compelled to be the proper little housewife for the duration of my unemployment, but the feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed make it hard to become motivated.
A week ago, President Obama announced the death of Osama Bin Laden. Although it’s been over a week, I still wanted to record my thoughts for posterity. I’m happy that justice has been served, but am saddened by the fact that so many people are expressing JOY at a person’s death, like we’ve just won the World Series after 86 years. I feel it was disrespectful to all of the victims of his rein of terror and hate. I also fear it will fuel his followers into carrying on his mission. I honestly don’t think this will change much, if anything when it comes to terrorism around the globe. Pessimistic outlook to have, but true.
I’m off to do some housework and then, hopefully, send out a couple more job applications. We’ll see how that goes.
It’s not often that I talk about my brother or his passing, but I think about him often enough. This article from the Boston Globe on my newsreader made me think:
And with that, the Kandler family may be onto something very big and very smart. While many mark the day that a loved one died with a quiet act of remembrance, Ken Kandler, his three kids, and their growing offspring do this in a far less traditional way.
They will meet Sunday at 4 p.m. at an uncommonly cheerful Chinese restaurant in a strip plaza in Newton, just as they have on the same day for each of the past six years.
via A toast to Sylvia – The Boston Globe.
There is a strong part of me that wishes something like this happened–Billy was such a vibrant person that he’d like something like this. Unfortunately, it’s not something that could be done with my parents because, despite my mom’s lip-service to wanting to celebrate his life, she really can’t, and my dad doesn’t even bother with the lip-service.
I don’t know if this is something I’d like to organize with his friends or not–I’m in contact with very few of them, and am unsure if it’s something that they’d even be interested in doing…plus, his favorite restaurant has pretty crappy food in my opinion.
I just feel so…empty about him passing and don’t really know what to do about it.
The holidays are half over. If this blizzard allows, we are heading to NJ tomorrow morning for Part 2 with Ellie’s family. Yesterday was Christmas with my family and between us. Now, there is a new trend amongst the Pagan communities to demean those us us that celebrate Christmas because we’re “feeding the beast” or “letting the Christians win” or some other bullshit. I may or may not discuss my feelings in more depth, but that will likely be on my Spiritual Blog if I do. Suffice it to say that I celebrate Christmas because I am the only non-Christian in my family and amongst those friends that I’m close enough to celebrate holidays with. I’m not going to deny their holiday (even if it IS secular in nature) just because it’s not my religion.
I hate the consumerism of Christmas, and how it’s influence has affected so many of the other mid-Winter holidays. That’s why I mainly ask for things I need or those things I REALLY want but won’t buy for myself–like a rice cooker–because it’s not really a necessity, but my family feels good getting it because they feel they are indulging me. Sitting here looking at what my family and Ellie got, I’m really pleased because most of the gifts this year fit that theme. My mom likes getting crap, like stuffed animals and stupid frivolous stuff like that, which influences her shopping, but having been out of work the first 6 months of the year really helped curb her need to buy shit and I can only think of one gift that I will be donating to Goodwill–a mug she packaged with some hot apple cider packets she gave us. That’s an AMAZING year for her 😀
Christmas was small this year, but I prefer that–I’d much rather get items I need/can use/appreciate rather than a bunch of toys or knick-knacks that are just going to sit around and raise my anxiety because I’m surrounded by too much stuff. The only things that went overboard was candy–my mom likes to fill the stockings and even gift bags with the stuff, so we’re going to become diabetic by the time January is over.
I’m a little nervous about Ellie’s family celebration because there are so many of them and no one really knows how to say “no” to buying gifts, but I am hoping it’ll be lighter this year because no one has been immune to the financial struggles that have been affecting everyone.
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